The Boy Crisis in America… Continues
Several years ago, I wrote about a New York Times article titled “The Crisis of Boys and Men.” That article echoed the central warning of Tender Lions: Building the Vital Relationship Between Father and Son—a message my son and I have been writing and speaking about for the past six years. In many ways, it feels like we’ve been trying to speak calmly while standing in front of a cultural tsunami of screaming masculine might.
Simply put: boys and men in America are struggling—and the trend lines are moving in the wrong direction.
Consider the data:
- Girls outperform boys academically in nearly every subject and at every grade level.
- Roughly two-thirds of the top 10% of high school students are girls, while two-thirds of the lowest performers are boys.
- Women now dominate leadership roles in elite universities, including positions that were once overwhelmingly male.
- The earning power of men who entered the workforce in the 1980s is lower than that of the previous generation (after adjusting for inflation), while women’s earning power has increased by about 33%. Nearly all income gains in middle-class families over recent decades are attributable to women’s earnings.
- Men account for roughly three-quarters of deaths from suicide and drug overdoses.
- Programs designed to promote upward mobility for children consistently work better for girls than for boys.
- Men’s graduation rates are flat in recent years, while women’s continue to rise.
- College enrollment among young men continues to decline, even as women’s enrollment grows. Some colleges now worry that if this imbalance continues, campuses will become unattractive to both men and women.
- As Richard V. Reeves describes in Of Boys and Men, our culture is producing a generation of young men with an “aspiration gap.”
- More young men are living with their parents today than at any point in the last century.
Let me be clear: this is not an argument against women’s progress. I’m genuinely glad to see improvements for women and girls in education, leadership, and the workforce. And yet, there is still a lot of work to do.
But we must also be honest: our society—including schools and, too often, families—is failing to nurture boys and young men into emotionally healthy adults. Many lack the motivation to strive and thrive, not because they are incapable, but because they lack a vision of what a modern, healthy masculinity even looks like. And where do they look to find healthy models?
In the past, the immature, hyper-masculine behavior lived on the margins—gangs, bullies, and dropouts. Today, that same behavior is being lauded as essential on the most visible stages of political, corporate leadership, and much of the evangelical church. Every day, news and social media showcase leaders who have no tolerance for disagreement—a foundational requirement of a healthy society (and democracy) —and who lie or bully without hesitation, stating a false “might makes right” worldview. We’ve shifted from reckless rhetoric to the normalization of militarized responses in American cities, all framed as necessary for “public safety.”
A Few More Realities Worth Naming
- One-third of prime-age American men (without a high school diploma) are out of work and the biggest declines in employment are among men ages 25 to 34. Meanwhile, girls growing up in poor or unstable households are significantly more likely than boys to climb out of poverty.
- Policies and programs aimed at improving education and social mobility benefit women far more than men. In Kalamazoo, Michigan—where generous scholarship programs are available for college—women’s enrollment rates have surged, while men’s remain flat. So the issue isn’t access or affordability… it’s lack of male motivation, confidence, and purpose.
- Reeves documents numerous initiatives, from early childhood education through college, that produce meaningful gains for women but not men. Many young men openly acknowledge that their female peers are more motivated, plan further ahead, and work harder. This reveals a troubling truth: we are raising a generation of boys who have the “aspiration gap.”
The result is a growing epidemic of male loneliness and apathy. We see this, in spades, as this mindset spills over into social behaviors of lying, cheating, and bullying with a sense of impunity. At it’s worst… these “boys” become narcissists and sociopaths. Many feeling the deserve to be in positions of power.
About 15% of men report having no close friends, a sharp increase from a generation ago. One in five fathers does not live with his children, and the research has shown for decades that a lack of healthy emotional connection between father and son is a recipe for problems.
Today, more young men are were living with their parents than with a spouse or partner. And even many married men struggle to be emotionally present and reliable partners. Not surprisingly, almost 70% of divorces are initiated by women.
When I was growing up, the “ideal” for men was: marriage, children, homeownership, and being the bread winner. If men still hold that belief, then many young men understandably feel obsolete and unable to measure up. That can be demoralizing.
Ambition doesn’t magically appear. It must be sparked. Today’s young men are searching for meaning and worth, but many are also “searching for love in all the wrong places.” Unfortunately, much of what fills the news and social media offers only loud, angry, shallow, and self-serving examples. Masculinity has gone off the rails, reduced to cartoonish man-boys. Figures like Donald Trump, Pete Hegseth, and Stephen Miller reflect how easily strength gets confused with cruelty, and confidence with domination.
We need something better.
We need you—all of you—to show up as your strongest, healthiest, most grounded Tender Lion self.
Not someday. Today. And every day. Okay, so if you made it this far, thank you! This has a tone of despair, I agree. But, more to come on what to do about this…
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